


Vitality;

by MistyMoon



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, happy (not actually happy) n7 day rip mil 2k16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5162897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyMoon/pseuds/MistyMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Does this unit have a soul?"<br/>No, it does not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vitality;

**Author's Note:**

  * For [euriele](https://archiveofourown.org/users/euriele/gifts).



> HAPPY N7 DAY Y'ALL  
> right that video was bullshit shepard is 100% alive fucking fight me  
> anyway have myrra thinking shes not myrra + garrus helping enjoy

The Normandy was quiet. More quiet than usual.  
You can hear the people whispering as you walk to the elevator.  
They never whispered.

You haven't done anything since Rannoch. You haven't talked to anyone and you're not eating as much as you should. All you do is stay locked in your cabin, thinking.  
"Does this unit have a soul?"  
No, it does not.

Since Cerberus rebuilt you, you felt like you weren't yourself, like you were some sort of AI programmed to think it was Commander Shepard. Back then, you never thought you were her; that hasn't changed.  
Everyone says you've changed after Cerberus; they say you became more reckless, more angry, less respectful and a lot more. It's almost as if they don't think you're Shepard either.  
And maybe you are her; maybe Cerberus did bring Myrra Shepard back. But you can't help but feel you don't belong here, in _her_ body, _her_ cabin, making _her_ decisions.  
You feel wrong. You don't know who you were before Cerberus or if you are here for her and just for her. You feel like you don't have a purpose of your own, dreams and hopes of your own. Only _her_ purposes, _her_ dreams and hopes.   
She isn't you but you're expected to be her.  
It's infuriating.  
You want to be your own person, you don't want to be Myrra Shepard, you want to be _you_ and only _you_.  
Should've left her clone take over her life.

You feel empty; her body was connected with her soul. When you came, they disconnected. Now her body is longing for something that no longer exists.  
Something that _you_ cannot replace.  
All this makes your head spin.  
There are thousands of people telling you you are Commander Shepard, yet you don't feel like her. You don't feel you are her, you feel like you're here to _pretend_ you're her. You feel like another one of Cerberus' pets.  
She is all you'll ever be; you cannot be your own person without ending her, without disconnecting from her. That would mean leaving all of her friends behind, leaving Garrus behind.   
But then, there would be a you and not a her.  
It is a tempting offer.   
One that you can accept right here, right now, without having to tell anyone, without having to see them react to your decision.  
You would not hurt any longer; you would not feel their pain, their sorrow. You would not have to be depended on by everyone, you could just slip out of existence and create a new you.  
You could let them perish while you restart.  
A _very_ tempting offer.

Her body was hurt all the time; a new wound, a new scar, every day. And it longed to be fixed, to be restored.   
You did too.  
Three years of war, while everyone puts their problems on your shoulders for you to carry, that's bound to tire a person. What's life, if not to be enjoyable? It has no meaning if you are not enjoying it, if you are only getting hurt and hurting others. What good can come from that?  
Nothing. You know that, you've always known. Yet you've spent the last two years thinking it was your job to help everyone and make everyone happy and not let them down like you did with her parents.  
And now all those decisions are coming back to bite you.  
They depend on you now. You can't disappear now. If you do, they'll lose this war, they'll lose themselves.   
And it's going to be your fault, like all the other bad decisions you've made in your life. All your fault.  
You can't say you care about them winning or losing, but she does. You can feel a bit of her in you and she wants to save them, to help them rebuild. She wants this war to be won, not lost.  
You wonder what would she do if they lost the war and she was still here. If she'd try to restart or if she'd stay with them until the end.  
The latter. She's a people person. You're not.

She's still in control of her body; you're just there to aid her. You'll never be your own self, you'll never have your own personality, your own life. You'll never grow.  
She's all you have, all you'll ever have.  
You belong to her.

The worst part is, she feels. And you do, too. You feel her pain, her sorrow, her sadness. You feel all.  
And you hide it. Hide it, because those are not your emotions, those are /hers/. You do not want people to feel sorry for you because of her. You are not her.   
Sometimes, though, she felt those emotions so strongly, you did not have control. You felt them just like she did. And those were the only moments when you had your own emotions. When you let yourself show them. Because she was hurting, but she was also hurting _you_. You were hurting too.  
And then, you feel alive.

Having control makes you feel _alive_ , _strong_ , like you could do anything you want and no one could stop you.  
Her body starts to feel like yours, like you own it, like it is _yours_ , and _only_ yours. It gives you power.  
You feel like her life is yours, like you were with her before Cerberus. Like you were always one person, and not two.  
In those moments, you do not feel empty; there is something inside that fills you, that makes you feel at ease.  
A shame they don't last.

You don't need much to bring you back to reality; sometimes it's her emotions, other times it's simply a word. They can cut your power source, and suddenly you're back to being her puppet. You're back to being her and not you.  
You're no longer alive.

Those moments hurt just as much as her hurting. They are a failed possibility; you could be yourself, you could own her. But you failed. Again. Because all you do is fail. You can never succeed. All the success you experience is because of her and only her. She doesn't fail. You are not her; you fail, she does not. She could've made her parents proud. But she didn't. Because you were in control and you ruined her life.

You're taken away from your thoughts when you hear Garrus' voice, asking to come in. You let him. He cannot harm you, nor will he ever. He makes her relax, and consequently, you relax too.

You tell him. All of it. Every single word, every single thought you've had since Rannoch. All you've felt. And he listens to every word.  
When you're done, you can barely breathe; there's something inside that won't let you breathe, won't let you relax. It's not her feeling, no, it's _you_. You've never voiced your thoughts out loud, and doing so makes you feel overwhelmed. You're shaking and doing your best to try to breathe, and all Garrus does is hold you.   
Everything hurts and you decide you're never going to talk about your thoughts ever again.

And then, for the first time, she helps you. She takes control and makes your thoughts go away; they stop overwhelming you, they stop making you feel. And it works. You're breathing again. You're not shaking anymore.

He doesn't let you go; you don't want him to. You stay there in silence, the only sound you hear being your own breathing.   
He breaks the silence when he calls your name. He tells you that maybe you aren't the Shepard from before Cerberus, but you're the Shepard that came after. That you might not be the Hero of the Citadel, but you're the one who stopped the Collectors and the one who's going to stop the Reapers. That the old Shepard was left behind when you came. That the woman he's looking at right now is you, and not her.  
He tells you that you are not her, and you are your own self.   
  
You think that he's good with his words. And that maybe, he's right. Maybe you are in control.  
Maybe this unit does have a soul, after all.


End file.
